Chapters and Seasons

Life has chapters and seasons, and God has brought me once again to the beginning of one.  This time though I am reluctantly turning the page.  After 5 and a half years of teaching my children and spending the better part of 24/7 with my children I am now sending some of my children to public school.   Homeschooling, like many jobs in life, becomes a part of your identity.  It is an intricate part of who you are.  Some people look proudly on your decision and others think you are a crazy, reclusive family.  The simple truth for our family is that I was mostly home schooled, and it was the comfortable route for us.  I loved spending time with my children and watching them grow, change, learn, and explore over the years.  I love knowing what they are learning and meeting their friends.   We have every year evaluated the decision for our children knowing there might come a time when our family, or maybe even just one child, would need to go to public school.  I firmly believe that homeschooling is not for everyone.  It takes a lot of time, patience, money, and commitment (which, besides having a lot of the time, I have very little of).  Somehow when it came time for our decision it was a harder one to make than I expected.  Today 3 of my 5 children will explore the world of public school, teachers that are not their mom, and new friendships.  We may venture into this season and find out we love being involved with schools, or we may come to next fall and find that our experience was not good and, by experience, that homeschooling is the best for our family.  Truth is I will still be a home school mom, not only because I will still be teaching Bre, but I will also still be as involved as I can in my children’s school learning.  I hope I will always be one of those homes that my children proudly invite their friends over too and hang out at for long periods of time.  As I look at the friends that I admire and look at their upbringing it was not whether they were home schooled or not, most were not.  I see one thing that connects them all; their parents took the time to be involved in their life.  And whether we do public school, or home school, that will never change.  In fact I hope with public school I will have more energy to focus on the heart issues and not just the 3-R’s.  So as I turn the page in our family history I also change a page in my heart.  I take a moment to trust that God will work all things out for good and that this will be a blessed experience for all of us. 

Holiday Traditions

Have you ever stopped to consider your traditions?

I am a thinker so I often considered our family traditions.  Which ones will stand the test of time?  Which ones really aren’t important?  Which ones should we start to add depth and meaning to our holidays?

Moving has really brought to the focus our traditions.  After living in the same house for 10 years and starting our family in that house all of our holiday traditions were centered around what we did there.  Bo and I both LOVE the holiday season.  We love everything about it…being with family and friends, the food, the lights, the music, the decorations, giving gifts, and remembering the long expectant child.  We started our Christmas celebrating as soon as we could.  Usually we would go out the Friday or Saturday after Thanksgiving to get a Christmas tree from the woods with my dad.  We started the holiday music while shopping Friday morning and would go to Locomotive Park after we got the tree decorated.  We would light the holiday candles of the advent as we prepared our hearts for the coming.  Sometime in the season we got together with family and friends and made TOO many Christmas cookies.  Christmas Eve we would spend with Bo’s parents and brother’s families opening gifts and eating our laid back family meal.  With kids underfoot it has always been a time of excitement and joy.  And of course every present chaos was started with the reading of a Christmas story by one of the grandchildren.  Christmas day would start off with stockings outside the kid’s doors that we opened in Mommy and Daddy’s bed.  Than after mom got her shower and everyone was dressed we would head downstairs (to a tree that somehow in the night got buried by presents).  We would take turns opening gifts until the tree was empty and the arms filled full.  Usually around lunch my parents and grandpa would join us for Christmas dinner.  We would light the last Advent candle and read the Christmas story while enjoying Jesus birthday cake.

As I reflect on these traditions I have truly missed some this year…This year it’s a fake tree in the corner decked out in homemade paper ornaments.  There was no holiday baking party and with traveling we won’t have the surprise of presents (they saw them get loaded in the car).  I don’t know how Christmas will play out, but I do know that there will be no Papa and Nana this year or Christmas dinner at our house.  In some ways the only thing that will be the same is Christmas Eve party, but this time we just have to load up the gifts and take them out to the trailer.

I often wonder what will be different next Christmas.  Will the house we buy have stairs for the grand entrance?  Will we still go to the woods to get a tree?  Will we travel next year? Or will someone visit us?  One thing I do know traditions that last are the traditions that count.  We will always do advent.  And at least for a few years all of our children will be home for the holidays. 

What traditions do you treasure this year?  What one do you hope to start for next year?  What traditions do you need to let go of?

Merry Christmas friends! 

May your holiday be bright and full of Christ this year!

October Journey

Some lessons in life we remember having before and wonder why we have to relearn that, some are fresh and bring us new insight, some we plead that God will never have to teach us, or that when He takes us through it we will come out victorious on the other side.

Recently God took me on a journey of faith so real and so hard that I wondered if I would come out victorious.

As we prepared our house for sale and started looking for a new job in Western Washington I was praying for God to line up all the things that needed to happen like dominoes.  I prayed that everything would work out so perfectly that we would sell our van and buy a economical car, Bo would get a job just as the house sold so that he wouldn't have to leave without us or that we were homeless while we waited to find a job.  I believed with every part of my being that God could do this if He was willing.  The test of faith came in just that.  Did God desire this for us?  Would God punish us for a bad decision even if we were pleading the whole time for Him to allow, or thwart, our plans according to His will?  It was not a matter of "Is there a God"? or "can God do"?  but "did God care enough about my personal life to work everything out"?  And more importantly how would I react if the evidence showed what I feared; even if truth was not in the evidence?

There were so many dark days as I pleaded with God for Him to show me His plan.  Show me where He wanted me to be or what He wanted me to do.  How do I plan for tomorrow when I don't know where I will be?  Do I get involved or not?  Days that I could feel God's silence as thick as smoke as it chocked out my faith and my confidence in a God that cares.

I felt like I was on a roller coaster of emotions.  I would get excited with each house viewing, as we got an offer on the house, as Bo had an interview, and than the frustrating silence after the house viewings and interviews, the sadness as the offer fell through, and the days of wondering.  Than within one week we sold our car, bought a car, we had a new offer on our house, and than Bo was supposed to call a man back after he had received Bo's resume.  I was excited as it looked like God had done exactly as I had asked.  Soon we discovered that we couldn't contact the guy for a job.  He wouldn't return calls and never answered his phone.  I was devastated.  Though I was grateful for what God had done I was nervous about the house deal.  The buyers financing had fallen through the first time would it go through this time?  We still had the assessor to come look at the house.  Would he approve it for an FHA loan?  And where would be live if the house did sell and we had no job?

The next week Bo got a call back from one of his previous interviews.  They wanted to hire him and he was set to start in 3 weeks.

I went on for the next 3 weeks with soo many questions.  Not packing because we were told to wait until the assessor approved things and the financing looked good.  The last week especially was hard.  We had fixed a few problems the assessor wanted fixed and were waiting to hear if he had approved them.  I knew if it went through I had to be out in a week, but yet not wanting to pack if it didn't go through.  Should I find a place for the family to live and risk a deposit?  Did we find a place for Bo to live and try and find a way to afford 2 housing costs?  Even the simple things-Do you do your monthly grocery shopping and move it all, or buy less and buy when you move?  Do you request things from the library for school, or would you not be here to need them?

Every morning I had to get up and physically choose to believe that God was working out the details and that He knew what was best.  That He wasn't ignoring my cries.  Scriptures kept playing in my head about how God cared for me.

1 Peter 5:7  "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

Finally on Friday we got the call that everything had gone through and they wanted to know how soon we could be out of the house.  We promised to be out the night before closing (which was supposed to be the following Friday).  Than it was a whirlwind of saying goodbye, sorting and packing, taking loads to the farm for storage, cleaning, closing accounts, and arranging an apartment.  God was good and we were out by Thursday night (except a little bit of garbage we left in the neighbors yard to take care of Friday morning).

Now see how incredible this was-God had already taken care of the cars.  On Thursday we signed the house to the new owners, on Friday we said goodbye to friends, Saturday we moved to Tacoma and into our new apartment, on Sunday we started unpacking and got new phones, and on Monday Bo started his new job!  God's timing was perfect!

I thank God that he answered the prayer of my heart and brought me through.  I still wonder what if God hadn't done it all?  Would I still believe the same way?  Maybe these struggles seem trivial to you as you battle your own test of faith.  The test of trust, waiting, and not worrying has always been the hardest for me to learn and walk in.  I pray that someday I can sit back and relax when life is full of too many questions and not enough answers.  Until than I will battle each day to "let go and let God" and trust Him for each day.

Psalms 27:13-14

^"I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."

This Old House

I think I can hear the walls whispering as this old house starts echoing with the emptiness

With each box that crosses the threshold I hear the whispering of another memory

A young couple, one with rounded tummy, 

crossing into a big empty house

The sounds of a baby filling the night air

Sprawling crawls and first steps on slippery floors

The laughter and happiness of first Christmas morns

Hunting for Easter treasures

First days of school

Learning to share and play nicely

Reading time and bible study time

"Can I go play to ... 's house, Mom" bouncing off the walls 

Movie nights, game nights, and nothing special nights

Flashlights lighting summer nights

 and mittens covering hands as snowman are built

Bath time, bed time, and waking up time

Times to cry and times to rejoice

 

Will this old house miss us?

Will it miss the sounds of elephant feet on the stairs?

Will it miss the silly loudness?

Will it miss the quiet times and nighttime slumbers?

Will it miss the Christmas tree in that specific corner?

Many families have lived between these walls

If this old house had a soul would it ask us to stay or be ready for someone new?

 

We will cherish the moments and memories that we shared in this old house

and like the changing of the leaves on the big maple tree

we will move on and build new memories wherever home may take us.

Memories Dust

I thought the pain would lesson with the days....
I thought it would get easier with time...
Maybe it all has
It doesn't consume my every thought as it once did
It doesn't wake me in the middle of the night anymore
and I don't stop to listen for the sound of your cry in the silence

But it hasn't stopped the pain...
and it hasn't stopped the tears...
I still hear you in a baby's cry
I still hurt when I see the baby aisle
and I still want to hold you one more time

My tears still wet my pillow at night
That song still brings me crashing down
My heart stops beating
     when I hear my daughter's prayer that God will take care of her little sister
     and find my son's pictures of you when I unpack his suitcase
     and hear my child say just once more she wishs you were here with us
and I know we still miss you

Maybe the pain will still lesson with the days...
Maybe it will get still easier with time...
but for now it reminds me how precious your two months with me were
and I will cling to the memories while they are still fresh
and try and cherish the thoughts before they fade in memories dust

Peace

I have been thinking about my last post

and I think God is convicting me.

(so for whoever was praying for that you got your answer)

 

I want things to fall into place for us...

I want Bo's job to be a consistent 9-5, M-F job, our house to sell, and us all to move at the same time,
but it is looking less and less like that.

  As I look at the future I see long separations, tight budgets, and loneliness.

So often I want life to be easier than it is.

 I think we have hit our quota of trials and hardship for the year.

I don't want to admit what I know to be true,
 life is not meant to be easy or comfortable even as a Christian,

 or maybe especially as a Christian. 

I want peace from the storm,
 but God is calling me to only seek peace in him. 

I know God has a plan for our lives,
 but sometimes the plan includes horrible things. 

 

I think about Paul and all he endured. 

He says in 2 Corinthians,

"I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again.    Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea,  I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers.   I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked."  (11:23b-27)

 

 How I long to be like Paul who despite all these hardships, and more,
 responded well when God said,

“' 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'   Therefore I (Paul) will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9b-12)
 

So I have come to the place, once again, of pleading with God not for the things I want,

or have diluted myself into thinking I deserve,

but in begging that God will give me a contentment and peace in the midst of whatever He may bring so that I may boast with Paul, 

^"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:12-13)

The good way, the ancient path...

Jeremiah 6:16a

"This is what the Lord says:

'Stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
and you will find rest for your souls.' "

Ever feel like you have wandered into a wooded maze in life?

Ever wonder which path is the best path to get you out of the maze and into the straight paths again?

I am smack in the middle of the maze and I can't see over the bushes and around the trees.

I am pleading with God to show us the ancient path

that will lead us onto the path He desires for our family.

My family and I are at the crossroads and we are asking God for the ancient path.

Lord, where is the good way?  Help us walk in it and find rest for our souls.

Bo has been laid off the majority of 2012.  Since January he has worked one full week, and usually only one day a week, if that.  God has faithfully provided the income we need to cover our bills but it is not the life we would choose.  Men were not intended to sit at home.  It is not looking any better as we move forward into fall.  Over the four years we have been with this company we have gotten used to the layoffs from Jan. to May., but never this long.  It being one of the better HVAC companies in the valley we know there is little hope for finding another job here.  Over the last 7 years Bo has struggled with the same issues in construction and HVAC.  He loves working in these fields because they provide variety everyday and the hands on work.  We know from experience that a job can make or break a man.  Though never intended to be fun (as any punishment shouldn't be), it should provide a level of enjoyment and satisfaction.

So this week we put our house on the market.  Bo has been looking for several weeks for work in the Northwest, but especially in the Olympia area as we have wanted to move there for years.  We are praying that God will put everything into place just as we need it.  We try not to worry about the house selling before he gets a job, or him getting a job months before the house sells.  And we try not to worry about choosing "a job" and not picking the job that is best.  And than there is the issue of keeping the house clean while you wait for it to sell with 5 kids climbing walls and just being kids.  But the truth is we worry.  We worry that God is not listening anymore because we have plead with Him so many times to lead us to the right job, and instead of life getting any better the wallet gets tighter and the struggles get harder.  Do I believe in prosperity living?  No, but I do believe that when we seek God with all our hearts He will lead us to a place of peace, and we have not had that for awhile.  I praise Him that the struggle has brought us closer to Him and given us opportunities to rely on Him to provide and care for us.  I pray that we have used the struggles to effectively honor and worship God.  Sometimes its hard to see Him working in the daily life, but I know that He is there because I have felt His presence in my dark days.

Please pray for us that God will show us the path, the good way, and that we will find rest for our souls because after this last years struggles and pains we need a time of healing rest and peace.