Where Faith Fails

      I have spent my entire life pursuing God.  I remember even from the young age of four believing that I was a sinner and that God saved me from my sin and the future world of hell.  At sixteen I understood that being a true "Christian" didn't mean just going to church and being good, but that it meant letting God make the decisions in my life.  I have loved giving of my time and talents to God working in ministry.  I hoped my meager efforts would make God proud.  I strove to find God in everything and learn more about him everyday.
     However as the years passed I found it harder to hear and see God.  The bible became like stale bread instead of a life giving meal, or more importantly the decadent cake I wanted it to be.  My prayers felt like talking to an empty room.  As they echoed and bounced off blank walls back to me,  I sought harder.  I learned more as I taught and devoured bible studies.  But yet the presence of God was fading. 
     I have come to a point where I am scared to pray because if the answer has not been "no" or a prolonged "wait", than it is directly the opposite of what I have asked.  I really don't ask for a lot for myself.  This is often prayers for my family or friends.  If earthly fathers want to reward their children for faithfulness and obedience shouldn't God want to more?  I am not talking financial blessing.
     I went through some hard things that left me defeated in every realm.  I didn't trust myself as a parent, a family member, a friend, or a leader (and honestly still don't).  And worse yet those spiritual friends and leaders that I needed to guide me where the ones that hurt me the worse.  I get that life won't be easy (though I would be lying if I said my heart doesn't believe that).  I understand we will go through trials.  I don't consider myself intelligent or a deep thinker but I can justify and reason all the bad stuff away with God's justice and "trials bring strength."
     But one thing I can not justify..."why would a loving God choose to not answer my prayers to know Him more? "  I have begged for years to see God more clearly, to understand His will, to know His love more deeply so I can love deeper, to see the depth of my sin so I can experience the greatness of His grace, and yet He has remained silent and invisible.  Why?  I have done everything people have suggested...I've pressed on because its just a desert season, come to His gates with thanksgiving, confessed my sins in repentance, kept a journal, prayed harder, trusted more, and so much more.  When all the striving didn't work I learned to rest in God.   And yet none of if has helped to open the doors of God's presence.  There came a time when faith failed and I could no longer see or hear God anymore.  I came to a point when I simply told God that I wasn't going to talk or pursue anymore.  I am simply stepping back and with eyes and ears wide open waiting for Him to draw near to me.  In these months the silence has been deafening.
     The bible says, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened^.  Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?  Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”  Why is He not opening the door, giving what I have asked, or helping me find what I am seeking?  I am seeking only more of Him and His spirit.  Religion and faith are soo ingrained in me that it is hard to step back.  But I need God to do this.  I long to hear God's voice.  I long to see visions and feel the spirit move me and direct me.  I desire to feel God's love.  I desire that the Bible will quit being stale bread.
     I need God to answer this prayer now (not 10 years, 1 year, or even 1 month from now) or I will come to believe that He is only a creator God watching from a distance and not a personal God who cares about me individually.  And that changes everything I have believed and want to believe to the depth of my soul.  I want to be so overwhelmed by a relationship with God that all religion goes out the window and I can't help but share with others my joy and love.
     I want to taste and see that the Lord is good!

The Rosebud of Purity

As my daughters body stretched across the bed her long legs dangling and dancing off the end, I wondered when I said goodbye to baby cheeks, chubby feet, hand's that fit inside of mine, and "mommy up"s.  Where did the years go from baby girl to almost teen?  And while I pondered all this I said goodbye to a piece of her innocence as we learned about intimacy and purity.  I appreciated the time sharing with her about her dad's and my heart and how beautiful God made intimacy.  We celebrated the woman she will become while cherishing the girl she is today.  As our final gift we gave her the following necklace and poem.  May it always be a reminder to her of the beauty of her purity.

As the rose bud waits in excited expectation to be brought into full beauty so must purity be held close, protected, and cherished until it may bloom on the awaited wedding day.

Rose buds will only form under the right conditions, and some take longer than others to come to full bloom.  It is your duty, and your parent’s privilege, to provide those perfect conditions of love, boundaries, prayer, and hopeful expectation.

Rose buds come in an array of colors and varieties, but all are beautiful.  We must remember that we are all different women, with different personalities, strengths, weakness, and hopes.  God will send a man who will cherish those things and when you give the gift of purity to him you will be giving your greatest treasure

This rose bud is a reminder of the previous gift God gave you on the day of your birth.  It is a treasure that once lost cannot be remade, but given in love and purity will be cherished for a lifetime.

 If you would like your own necklace please visit.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/183485681/silver-rose-pendant-necklace-purity?utm_source=OpenGraph&utm_medium=ConnectedShop&utm_campaign=Share

Breaking the Sinew

Genesis 32:22-31
^22 "That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. ²³ After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. ²⁴ So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
²⁷ The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
²⁸ Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
²⁹ Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
³⁰ So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
³¹ The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip."

“A long time ago, a preacher asked a doctor

‘What is the exact significance of God’s touching Jacob on the sinew of his thigh?’

The doctor told him, 'The sinew of the thigh is the strongest in the human body.

A horse couldn’t even tear it apart.’

“The preacher said, ‘I see.

The Lord has to break us down at the strongest part of our self-life

before He can have His own way of blessing with us.’"

~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

Sometimes I struggle with letting go of who I think I am.  If you tore back the skin and looked beyond to the me-of-me who would I be?  If you strip me of all titles given by man?  If I was no longer a mom, a wife, a friend...who would I be?

What God did literally to Jacob I think He did figuratively to me.  When I was starting to get comfortable and was finding who I was God looked at me and said, "You see that "strong" of your self-life?  I want it."

Where I thought I was being a good friend that friendship ended, sometimes all too bitterly leaving a lonely woman (or maybe two) behind.

Where I thought I was a good wife I found my selfishness was slowly destroying my husband and not lifting him up.

Where I thought I was a good mom I found failure's evidence.

Where I thought I was a good servant leader I found a peace void by being too much.

Where I wanted to be, I found only me, "self-filled" me.

As I looked at the pieces I cried out, "God I am broken and forever will limp with the pain.  Please lead me forward from here.  Teach me who I am." 

God is teaching me who I am in Him, slowly, a life-time of learning.
I am learning to make all relationships spent first in lifting them up in prayer.
I am learning mothering is a battle of let me see the heart and parent in mercy.
I am learning to be a help-mate not the destroyer.
I am learning to be a leader that reflects only God.
I am learning, slowly and with faltering steps, but in the learning I am seeing I am God's precious child.  He loves me in the failure and the triumph.  Just as he blessed Jacob both before and after he wrestled with him, and before he changed his name.

What do you need to let go off today?  Is it your identity?  Your ownership of your time?  Your fear?

Reluctant Nutrition Girl

I'm scared of nutrition!

I don't mean I have a healthy respect of nutrition.  I mean scared!

I never wanted to learn more than the surface.

I know the basics.

Whole grain=good

Enriched flours=not good

Sugar=not good (except for the taste buds)

Local Honey=good for allergies

Cranberries=good for women's health (but sadly not the sugar ones)

Than life threw me a curve ball.  I got a diagnosis of pre-diabetes.  How?  I don't know...

I exercise an average of 4 days a week.  I eat as healthy as my budget and my knowledge allow.  

I never had gestational diabetes.  I don't have any immediate family members with it.  I don't have high-cholesterol (in fact I have low which is more dangerous for my heart).  

And I definitely don't weigh 7% over my healthy BMI.

So that leads me to research and constantly bugging a friend;

tapping into her knowledge and research.  

The honest truth is that a very dear person to me was anorexic from high school to college.  When it became public knowledge she switched to being completely nutrition savvy and into exercise.  But than 10 years later, she was using that knowledge to destroy in a different way.  She cut almost every food group out and was trying to "eat healthy."  I know I am programed the same as her.  I like an ordered world and I do have a tendency to want to control things in my life;

because way too much life is out of my control.

So I step...tentatively....forward in this pursuit of learning.  I am learning how to make my own natural seed and nut butters.  Experimenting making Larabars.  Learning when and how to balance the carbohydrates and proteins in my diet, what low-glycerin foods are, and what the difference between a simple and complex carbohydrate is.

As I do I will lean on the knowledge of those who have gone before, but mostly I will cover it all in prayer.  Praying that God will teach me what I need to know, help me discern what trend is simply that, and pleading that He will heal me from the inside out!

Happy 2nd Birthday

                                                                                                                  2/14/14
Neve,
     Today you would be 2!  As time goes by it is harder to imagine what you would have been like.  In my memories imagination I still see you with those piercing brown eyes, and I imagine your hair in long, raven plaits.  Would you have been tentative, or attention-seeking?  At two you would be gaining independence and speaking more, and more, each day.  I am sure we would have our battles as you seek to do alone, but your cuddles would have erased all frustration.  Oh, how I miss you and wish for the would-have-beens.
     The moments that are hardest are when your sisters tell me they cried for the missing, when I find your picture in brother's backpack, when your sister doesn't know who you are because she was too little to remember being the big sister, and when I watch your daddy as he struggles to figure out how to grieve and let go.
    I wonder if your other mommy misses you as much today as I do.  Does she visit your grave?  I am too far away to wipe it clean of the dust and rain.  Does she long to hold you just one minute longer?  Does she too long for the sticky kisses of a two year old?
    Today as we celebrate another birthday without you please know I once again wish for you but wouldn't wish you back to this hurting broken world.  May God speed the day I get to be with you and Him!
     Happy Birthday baby girl!  Your mommy loves you!
                                                                               Mom

Missing Stocking

Today my little Neve would have been 22 months old.  Not a significant age, but an age and a date that have hurt more this year than last.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, and has become even more special as I have had children.  I especially love children at Christmastime when they are 18 months to 2 years old.  The joy of the lights, hearing them try to sing along to jingle bells, and watching them open Christmas gifts by themselves brings an innocent joy to Christmastime.  This year I am missing the lost memories that would have been created.  As I shop and plan and make for Christmas, I wish there was one more stocking on the fireplace, and one more name on the list.  Maybe she wouldn't have been with us anyways, I don't know what that future held.  I do know that in my missing and longing I can't really wish her back on earth.  She gets to spend the most wonderful time of year with the reason for the season.  Would there really be any better way to spend the holidays than worshiping the Savior with the Savior?  So Merry Christmas, baby girl, someday I will be home with you for the holidays!

Grace is Enough

If I have learned anything from my trials and struggles through this thing called life it is this...it never goes how we want, but God is still good.  Sometimes my heart doesn't agree with that as I look at broken relationships, life-altering sickness, and empty arms and ask, "God, if you are good why?"  But He is OK with the questions and the ugly emotions.  In fact I think it is in the raw moments when we say, "Lord, I don't understand this, but I trust Your best for me," that God is most pleased.  Faith in its purest form is when we look at the lack of evidence and move forward.  When we move forward in obedience knowing that at the end of the day the obedience may mean more heartache.  If I had my way in my detailed, organized world I would have had my house 3 1/2 weeks ago when they told us it should be finalized.  The house would be safe for the kids to move into and clean and there would be no nights without a place to call "home."  (Oh, the security in that word.)  But I wake up each morning knowing that whatever reason God has is for the best.  Maybe it has nothing to do with houses, but more to do with trust, joy, and peace despite what the circumstances are.  As Christians we become delusioned with the idea that if we are walking in God's will He won't allow anything bad to happen or that God won't give us more than we can handle.  Paul's trials in the bible refute that idea and beat it to the ground.  God allowed him to go near death, allowed him to starve, and shipwrecked him more than once.  I am pretty sure Paul would have said, "I can't handle this Lord."  God's only response is, "My grace is sufficient for you."  In the coming to the end of me I have come to the place where I can see God more fully, and remember that the only thing I can cling to is Grace.  Oh, sweet grace that I do not deserve!  If I could do this on my own I would have no need of God.  Though I don't enjoy the trials in my life I do welcome them (though often not with open arms) knowing in the end God is shaping me through them.  The days and years ahead will not be easy, and maybe even what is ahead will make what is behind seem light and momentary but I ask God to walk me through whatever is ahead, and not allow my foot to stumble, and that in every moment I will choose to bring Him glory.  Thank you God for being good!