One more day.....

If I could use a rewind button

and go back and change history.

Could I prevent her death?

Would God have chosen to take her anyways?

In another way?

I know this is for her good.

I know she is in a better place and safe from harm.

She will not experience the pains of this world.

No flu, no skinned knees, no rejection or loss.

Would someone please tell my heart!

Today is the day I have dreaded the most.

 I dreaded it with Aaron too.

Everything after today is one more day

that we didn't have her than that we did.

Joy and Tears

Yesterday, at my dear friend's daughter's wedding,

I saw her joy as she celebrated her daughter

but also her intense pain as she struggles with the loss of her own marriage.

I could see the joy amidst the pain.

During the reception, as my daughter played on my knee with fits of laughter,

I caught myself smiling and feeling real joy deep down, true life-giving joy.

I knew two months ago that with time I would be OK

and that we would heal from the moments of intense hurt and pain. 

As, even than, I could see it evidenced before me in my children. 

We will never be the same,

and we will always carry the wound, all too easily reopened. 

I cherished that realization of how much we have healed,

and I clung to it as the waves of grief and guilt once again washed over me

and drowned me in a sea of tears

and I cried in the dark of night.

Today will be hard,

but tomorrow will be harder

because they hold so much significance,

but I know we will be OK. 

Joy has come in the morning. 

Not joy as the world knows,

but true God given peace and joy!

The Number

The number stared at me.  I knew this day was coming, but the number made my heart skip a beat, as I realized the day.  Today, the 14th, my little girl would have been 4 months old.  I think about that and what that means for where she would have been in her growth.  I think about her birthday.  She was born on the day of love, and she made my world richer by the opportunity to love her.  I think about all the good memories, as I push out the emotions of the bad.  I think about her smile and her beautiful brown eyes.  I think about missed opportunities.  I think about all the opportunities to experience God over the last couple months.  Today, my little one is celebrating with God instead of here on earth the passing of another day.....about 401 days since conception, 121 days since birth, 63 days on earth, and 61 days in my arms, and eternity in God's presence.