Where Faith Fails

      I have spent my entire life pursuing God.  I remember even from the young age of four believing that I was a sinner and that God saved me from my sin and the future world of hell.  At sixteen I understood that being a true "Christian" didn't mean just going to church and being good, but that it meant letting God make the decisions in my life.  I have loved giving of my time and talents to God working in ministry.  I hoped my meager efforts would make God proud.  I strove to find God in everything and learn more about him everyday.
     However as the years passed I found it harder to hear and see God.  The bible became like stale bread instead of a life giving meal, or more importantly the decadent cake I wanted it to be.  My prayers felt like talking to an empty room.  As they echoed and bounced off blank walls back to me,  I sought harder.  I learned more as I taught and devoured bible studies.  But yet the presence of God was fading. 
     I have come to a point where I am scared to pray because if the answer has not been "no" or a prolonged "wait", than it is directly the opposite of what I have asked.  I really don't ask for a lot for myself.  This is often prayers for my family or friends.  If earthly fathers want to reward their children for faithfulness and obedience shouldn't God want to more?  I am not talking financial blessing.
     I went through some hard things that left me defeated in every realm.  I didn't trust myself as a parent, a family member, a friend, or a leader (and honestly still don't).  And worse yet those spiritual friends and leaders that I needed to guide me where the ones that hurt me the worse.  I get that life won't be easy (though I would be lying if I said my heart doesn't believe that).  I understand we will go through trials.  I don't consider myself intelligent or a deep thinker but I can justify and reason all the bad stuff away with God's justice and "trials bring strength."
     But one thing I can not justify..."why would a loving God choose to not answer my prayers to know Him more? "  I have begged for years to see God more clearly, to understand His will, to know His love more deeply so I can love deeper, to see the depth of my sin so I can experience the greatness of His grace, and yet He has remained silent and invisible.  Why?  I have done everything people have suggested...I've pressed on because its just a desert season, come to His gates with thanksgiving, confessed my sins in repentance, kept a journal, prayed harder, trusted more, and so much more.  When all the striving didn't work I learned to rest in God.   And yet none of if has helped to open the doors of God's presence.  There came a time when faith failed and I could no longer see or hear God anymore.  I came to a point when I simply told God that I wasn't going to talk or pursue anymore.  I am simply stepping back and with eyes and ears wide open waiting for Him to draw near to me.  In these months the silence has been deafening.
     The bible says, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened^.  Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?  Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”  Why is He not opening the door, giving what I have asked, or helping me find what I am seeking?  I am seeking only more of Him and His spirit.  Religion and faith are soo ingrained in me that it is hard to step back.  But I need God to do this.  I long to hear God's voice.  I long to see visions and feel the spirit move me and direct me.  I desire to feel God's love.  I desire that the Bible will quit being stale bread.
     I need God to answer this prayer now (not 10 years, 1 year, or even 1 month from now) or I will come to believe that He is only a creator God watching from a distance and not a personal God who cares about me individually.  And that changes everything I have believed and want to believe to the depth of my soul.  I want to be so overwhelmed by a relationship with God that all religion goes out the window and I can't help but share with others my joy and love.
     I want to taste and see that the Lord is good!