Peace

I have been thinking about my last post

and I think God is convicting me.

(so for whoever was praying for that you got your answer)

 

I want things to fall into place for us...

I want Bo's job to be a consistent 9-5, M-F job, our house to sell, and us all to move at the same time,
but it is looking less and less like that.

  As I look at the future I see long separations, tight budgets, and loneliness.

So often I want life to be easier than it is.

 I think we have hit our quota of trials and hardship for the year.

I don't want to admit what I know to be true,
 life is not meant to be easy or comfortable even as a Christian,

 or maybe especially as a Christian. 

I want peace from the storm,
 but God is calling me to only seek peace in him. 

I know God has a plan for our lives,
 but sometimes the plan includes horrible things. 

 

I think about Paul and all he endured. 

He says in 2 Corinthians,

"I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again.    Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea,  I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers.   I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked."  (11:23b-27)

 

 How I long to be like Paul who despite all these hardships, and more,
 responded well when God said,

“' 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'   Therefore I (Paul) will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9b-12)
 

So I have come to the place, once again, of pleading with God not for the things I want,

or have diluted myself into thinking I deserve,

but in begging that God will give me a contentment and peace in the midst of whatever He may bring so that I may boast with Paul, 

^"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:12-13)

The good way, the ancient path...

Jeremiah 6:16a

"This is what the Lord says:

'Stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
and you will find rest for your souls.' "

Ever feel like you have wandered into a wooded maze in life?

Ever wonder which path is the best path to get you out of the maze and into the straight paths again?

I am smack in the middle of the maze and I can't see over the bushes and around the trees.

I am pleading with God to show us the ancient path

that will lead us onto the path He desires for our family.

My family and I are at the crossroads and we are asking God for the ancient path.

Lord, where is the good way?  Help us walk in it and find rest for our souls.

Bo has been laid off the majority of 2012.  Since January he has worked one full week, and usually only one day a week, if that.  God has faithfully provided the income we need to cover our bills but it is not the life we would choose.  Men were not intended to sit at home.  It is not looking any better as we move forward into fall.  Over the four years we have been with this company we have gotten used to the layoffs from Jan. to May., but never this long.  It being one of the better HVAC companies in the valley we know there is little hope for finding another job here.  Over the last 7 years Bo has struggled with the same issues in construction and HVAC.  He loves working in these fields because they provide variety everyday and the hands on work.  We know from experience that a job can make or break a man.  Though never intended to be fun (as any punishment shouldn't be), it should provide a level of enjoyment and satisfaction.

So this week we put our house on the market.  Bo has been looking for several weeks for work in the Northwest, but especially in the Olympia area as we have wanted to move there for years.  We are praying that God will put everything into place just as we need it.  We try not to worry about the house selling before he gets a job, or him getting a job months before the house sells.  And we try not to worry about choosing "a job" and not picking the job that is best.  And than there is the issue of keeping the house clean while you wait for it to sell with 5 kids climbing walls and just being kids.  But the truth is we worry.  We worry that God is not listening anymore because we have plead with Him so many times to lead us to the right job, and instead of life getting any better the wallet gets tighter and the struggles get harder.  Do I believe in prosperity living?  No, but I do believe that when we seek God with all our hearts He will lead us to a place of peace, and we have not had that for awhile.  I praise Him that the struggle has brought us closer to Him and given us opportunities to rely on Him to provide and care for us.  I pray that we have used the struggles to effectively honor and worship God.  Sometimes its hard to see Him working in the daily life, but I know that He is there because I have felt His presence in my dark days.

Please pray for us that God will show us the path, the good way, and that we will find rest for our souls because after this last years struggles and pains we need a time of healing rest and peace.

These moments....

Last week I got to spend an incredible week with 19 children at Royal Family KIDS Camp. We had fun playing in the sun and the rain, chasing adventures, playing princess, and building memories! I will treasure each child in their own unique way, but one will always be closer to my heart.

I began the week by telling my team my story of how I got to RFKC which ended with...

"I will serve God this week with the image of a 10 year old in my head. Who despite 21 moves, more abuse and neglect than anyone should ever experience, and profound loss chooses to believe in God and loves Him deeply.

I will serve God this week with the image of deep brown eyes looking up at me in trust. And I will wonder what if 1 person had taken the time to love her mommy for even just a week as a child; would she have a different life, and would Neve have had a mommy that didn't throw her greatest treasure away?"

I knew I would see pieces of the "children of my heart" in every child there, but I didn't know that one little girl in particular would remind me of both. We had a young girl there whose name was the same as Neve's middle name. She was one of our most difficult children (though they were all good most of the time). In every struggle I saw a little of "A" being played out and had flashbacks of my daily struggles with him. Mostly a battle against too many drugs in their system; diagnosed to make them "normal." Despite her struggles we developed a bond. There were times she hated me and other times that she asked for the "tall lady." When she left, we both cried and she reached for my hand one last time.

On Friday morning I joined them all in chapel. We sang the song

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call

He Knows My Name by Tommy Walker

I cried as I thought about my children and this dear girl at camp. I pray that God will comfort her tears just as He was watching each tear stream down my face.

"S" is why I do Royal Family KIDS Camp. She is why I love these children. Because I know behind each child's front is a lonely child that just wants to know they are loved, cherished, and can be someone's best friend! We plow the field so they know they are loved and sometimes we get to plant the seed of salvation, but mostly I know every act of kindness paved the way for God's amazing love to break through someday.

 

And I will be forever changed by these moments!

One more day.....

If I could use a rewind button

and go back and change history.

Could I prevent her death?

Would God have chosen to take her anyways?

In another way?

I know this is for her good.

I know she is in a better place and safe from harm.

She will not experience the pains of this world.

No flu, no skinned knees, no rejection or loss.

Would someone please tell my heart!

Today is the day I have dreaded the most.

 I dreaded it with Aaron too.

Everything after today is one more day

that we didn't have her than that we did.

Joy and Tears

Yesterday, at my dear friend's daughter's wedding,

I saw her joy as she celebrated her daughter

but also her intense pain as she struggles with the loss of her own marriage.

I could see the joy amidst the pain.

During the reception, as my daughter played on my knee with fits of laughter,

I caught myself smiling and feeling real joy deep down, true life-giving joy.

I knew two months ago that with time I would be OK

and that we would heal from the moments of intense hurt and pain. 

As, even than, I could see it evidenced before me in my children. 

We will never be the same,

and we will always carry the wound, all too easily reopened. 

I cherished that realization of how much we have healed,

and I clung to it as the waves of grief and guilt once again washed over me

and drowned me in a sea of tears

and I cried in the dark of night.

Today will be hard,

but tomorrow will be harder

because they hold so much significance,

but I know we will be OK. 

Joy has come in the morning. 

Not joy as the world knows,

but true God given peace and joy!

The Number

The number stared at me.  I knew this day was coming, but the number made my heart skip a beat, as I realized the day.  Today, the 14th, my little girl would have been 4 months old.  I think about that and what that means for where she would have been in her growth.  I think about her birthday.  She was born on the day of love, and she made my world richer by the opportunity to love her.  I think about all the good memories, as I push out the emotions of the bad.  I think about her smile and her beautiful brown eyes.  I think about missed opportunities.  I think about all the opportunities to experience God over the last couple months.  Today, my little one is celebrating with God instead of here on earth the passing of another day.....about 401 days since conception, 121 days since birth, 63 days on earth, and 61 days in my arms, and eternity in God's presence.

According to Isaiah

Neve was a princess to me.  She was cute!  She liked to play with Meghan's butterflies that came in a game.  She got one on her eyes and she didn't know what it was.  My favorite thing about Neve was when she smiled and stuck her tongue out.  I got to feed her sometimes when Mom was busy.  I got to hold her a lot too.  When I put my stuffed tiger in front of her, she stared at it like she didn't know what it was.  She is probably having a dinner feast in heaven, and cuddling with God.  I can't wait to go see her in Heaven!