Happy 1st Birthday, Baby Girl!

Dear Neve,                                                                                2/14/13
Today would be your 1st birthday.  I hope in heaven we get to celebrate things the way we celebrate them here on earth.  I love birthdays!  Today we are celebrating your birthday without you here on earth.  Is Jesus giving you a birthday party today?  I hope He will at least pass on a hug for me.  When I brought you home from the hospital I hoped I would be around for your first birthday, but there was no guarantee.  I hoped at least to pass along the wishes.  But there is no tangible earth to heaven communication.
The last couple of days my mind has played that day so often.  Almost a year ago, I rejoiced in the call and was giddy waiting for you.  Searching for the baby things I needed in such a short time.  Daddy got the carseat and we set up the crib for you.  Waiting in the hospital room I couldn't wait to set eyes on you.  And the moment I did I loved you.  At that moment your heart and mine knit together in ways even I don't understand.  Daddy and I try and figure it out, but the simple truth was in that moment you became our daughter and secured your place in our heart.
I miss you baby.  I still see you in every child that is your age.  I miss you at holidays and family moments.  I miss all the moments we didn't have.
Somedays the guilt and fear overwhelm me.  What if I had done things differently would you still be here?  Would you be alive and celebrating today?  But God gently reminds me that His plan is perfect and even "if," He forgives that too. 
I pray someday I will feel that forgiveness down to the depth of my soul.  I pray that my missing you won't shadow so many of my days, and that someday the rejoicing will overshadow the pain.  And while I do I also whisper a prayer for your other Mommy and pray for peace for her.
Today I remember you and celebrate what time I had, and I whisper words to God (please pass them right along), "Neve, my daughter, I love you and always will!"

With forever love,

Your Mommy