Remembering Neve

Its only fitting on the 1 week anniversary of her death that I post what I shared at her memorial....

"When God asked us over a year ago to walk the path of foster care we resisted; pleading with Him to lead another way.  We had already been in the process of trying to adopt, and we were going to the foster training, as it would be a way to better understand the child we would adopt someday.  Through it all we fought off the desire to help in a different way.  I kept telling God, “Not while my kids are little, Lord it hurt me to give my foster siblings back, I don’t want them to endure that Lord.”  Through the sermon series we were hearing, our devotions, and our prayer time we felt like God was asking us to follow “no matter the cost.”  This world is not our home and God never asked us to get comfortable and abide, but to fight the good fight, and when our days are numbered, rest in His beautiful presence.

We got our foster license in June and waited and waited for the call for a placement.   By the middle of July I was very discouraged and ended up on a website for dissolved adoptions.  We found our "A" on his birthday in July.  After talking to his adoptive mom for months, and pleading with God that only if this was the best thing for "A" would he place "A" with us, "A" came to live with us.  "A" was with us for a mere 5 weeks before we had to choose to not move forward with finalization.  We could not help him grow and heal and protect our family at the same time.  It was the hardest decision I have ever, and probably will ever make.  I lost my son the day I gave him back.  I don’t know why God placed him with us, but I trust in His bigger picture.

Within 2 weeks we started getting foster calls.  We said no to one call, had 3 month old "T'" 2 days, and have been blessed to provide respite to 4 beautiful siblings a couple of times.  On the morning of February 16^th I got a call about a 2 day old baby girl.  She was drug affected and would need quiet and little to no light until the drugs left her system.  They said days 7-10 would be the worse.  I laughed, “no noise!” I am the mother of 5 and we had our 4 extras that night.  I said we were willing to take her, but I couldn’t guarantee how quiet it would be.  They chose to give her to us anyways as they were having a hard time finding a family.  I praise God that everyone else said “no” that day.  That evening at the hospital, I remember her being rolled into the room in her nursery crib.  I couldn’t see her face but I wanted to so bad.  I wanted to jump up and run and pick her up.  I knew she was fragile and didn’t know as a foster mom what I could do.  But oh when I got to see her… even at birth she was one of the most beautiful babies I had ever seen.  I loved her from that moment, and wanted to protect her from harm.

 After bringing her home some of the kids got out of bed to peek on her.  Neve and I didn’t sleep well the first night only because she wanted to be held all night.  After leaving the hospital I never again saw the effects of drugs in her system.  She had no problem with light, loved watching the kids, and as she grew and changed her favorite things were her siblings and especially at the end her daddy.  We had our troubles with finding the right formula for her little tummy and colic.  God was gracious enough to give her to us until her smile emerged.  My images of her will be her cooing and smiling at us, and those big brown eyes so full of trust.

Tuesday was every mom’s worse nightmare.  You always look back and say, “what if..”  God has answered many of the “what ifs…” with “because I loved you I gave you more….I gave you no drug affects, I gave you joy and cuddles, I gave you peace in what could have been the storm, I gave you smiles and reassurance that your love was healing her, I gave her two months she shouldn’t have had.”  Our greatest goal was to love and protect her and one day hand her back to her family, while our greatest joy was in loving her as our own.  As with my own flesh, Bo and I fought to be the one to hold her because we wanted to be the one showing her off.  We couldn’t wait for people to meet her, and she was so much a part of our conversation.  People probably got tired of hearing, “Neve this…Neve that…”  We both denied how attached we were and while verbally saying we would continue fostering and not adopt her if her situation came to that, our hearts were saying “I can’t give up my daughter.”  Maybe it was false belief that we could hand her back or maybe it’s the knowledge that she would have been out their growing up, experiencing her 1^st Christmas, first birthday, going to school, and someday graduating.  God answered our prayers; she can never be hurt by us or anyone else.  She never has to go through the trauma of leaving our home.  Would I have chosen this way?  No I selfishly want her in my arms to love and to hold, I want the poopy diapers again, the cries in the middle of the night, the uncontrollable colic that frustrated me and left me in tears, and the smell of soy spit-up.  I know she’s safe in the arms of Jesus but I want her in my arms or to know that her other mom is holding her and loving her.

On Mar 2 I wrote this about her, "You are a very easy baby.  You love to be held and cuddled.  You are easy to soothe.  You especailly love to be swaddled, have your pacifier and held across the chest.  You smile sometiems.  I know its reflective but I can't wait for it to be responsive.  Sometimes when I kiss your face you smile.  Your smile is beuatiful and encumpasses your entire face with its radiance.  Your smile will be many a peron's downfall.

God has asked us to do “no matter the cost”, and the cost has been high.  We have lost 2 children in 5 months.  I am grateful that I know "A" is healing in another home.  But through all the pain I have found my Jesus to once again be faithful.  His presence surrounds us.  I can see his hand in so much of this, a wonderful state worker who has become more like a friend, a Christian cop who spoke scripture to me and reassured me it wasn’t my fault, a Christian peer mentor that lifted me up with her encouragement, scripture that is spoken to us and reappears in our devotions each day, my amazing children, that despite the pain, desire to foster again and love another child, my incredible husband that grieves with and holds me up, and so many friends and family who have held me when the tears pour out, and that have carried us with their prayers and support.

I think too often we miss read scripture and read that God says He will not give us more than we can handle, but if we read this in context it says, “He will not give us more temptation that we can handle.”  I believe God purposefully puts us in situations we cannot handle in our own strength so that we can only survive through Him, and He only gets the glory.  I cannot stand here today without the hope of heaven and the strength of God’s presence.  He is not my crutch in this life to throw away when the pain lessons, but He is my constant in joy and in sorrow.